Wine

I feel like a jerk all the time, especially if the priest can see me, but I can’t help but fall asleep in church...X_x I dunno, it guess it’s not interactive enough for me, like lectures. There is singing, and I love singing a lot, but there isn’t enough of it. I remember someone telling me that singing was prayerx2 because it was so beautiful...so powerful. I love Christian music...the lyrics and voices the songs...so powerful. Air1 is my favorite station – you can check it out through iTunes radio, under religious, or stream from their website.

Anyway, I was hecka passing out at church, until the “Our Father” prayer and the part where you wish everyone peace. [note: I actually wrote this entry 2 weeks ago but never posted it. Mass today for Palm Sunday was cool in the fact that the gospel was the Passion of Jesus and read like a script, with everyone in the congregation reading the part here Jesus talks together…like all of us together was Jesus’ voice] This part always wakes me up as strangers clasp hands and familiar friends hug, wishing one another peace. Right afterwards is the part where people go up to receive the Eucharist – the bread and wine: the body and blood of Jesus. I signed up and trained to be a Eucharistic minister a long time ago, but never go to write about it. It’s such an amazing experience...the last words people say before receiving is “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the world and I shall be healed” I repeat those words to myself to many times, because it’s sooo true. I really don’t deserve to be up there, given all the shit that I do...but I’m being invited, we’re being invited up to the table...who are we to refuse? So I make my way to the altar, clean my hands with the “holy hand sanitizer (haha)” and face the congregation, singing Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world...grant us peace.

I serve the wine, raising the glass to the same eye level with the person about to receive...the red liquid swishing in the glass between the two of us as I say: “the blood of Christ”. The stranger says “Amen” takes a sip of the wine, and the next person comes up. There’s just something amazing about such a large group of strangers sharing the same cup, receiving the same blessings, singing the same songs, celebrating the same moment and the wonders of life…and being in Berkeley, there’s such a diverse group of people who attend mass together from all over the world…it’s sooo amazing.

Peace be with you. *hug*

excuses

it's been a long time since I've posted...too long, and I've been meaning to write so much, but there just hasn't been time for me to sit and just write about what I'm thinking...but something happened today that kinda rocked me...

I'm taking Poetry for the People (link to history and info)...and it's such an amazing class, the people dedicating their time to teach it, the raw and powerful poetry, learning about the struggles of cultures that are not of my own...it's a priceless experience and I just wish that I could give it the energy and passion that the class deserves.

Honestly, I've been slacking, using excuses such as work, clubs, and culture show as an excuse.

FIRST we are at the university as STUDENTS. I told my culture show CORE that...but then I contradicted myself by saying that I put culture show first when I really shouldn't....it's so hard, there's so much to do...but having the opportunity to take classes such as Poetry for the People, and photography with Janet. I need to learn balance. Anything is possible...I just gotta figure out how to do it right.

Anyway, I turned in a shitty response paper a week late, and then I whine to my STP (student teacher poet) about how busy I am and how crazy life is...but seriously, I need to suck it up and get my game together like everyone else, who I'm sure, have tons of others things to worry about too....so basically I feel like shit because I was a whiny baby. excuse, excuses..

I need to write poetry that I'm proud of. I need to take pictures that evoke emotion. I need to read and absorb what I read. I need to learn how to learn, how to be a better student. Because before you can change the world...you have to learn how...right? right.

=)

I love this kid! He can say my name now!! =D

Caption: Woohoo! I got hooked up with TWINS!

WorkWork *in peon voice*

So every time anyone asks where I work, I have to go through this huge spiel about what I do…so here it is so hopefully people won’t have to ask anymore..Haha it’s such a pain to explain every time…X_x

I am a design review intern for the City of Berkeley. I work under the planning department and have two responsibilities:

1) Design Review

· So when a new building is proposed to be built in Berkeley one of the reviews it has to go through is Design Review. So there’s a committee of 6 people who look over building exteriors once a month to make sure that new buildings work with the Berkeley cityscape, that the designs fit into the surroundings, are made of appropriate materials things like that. It’s kinda like studio reviews…except in REAL LIFE! Whoa! So yea, I work for that committee, every month I put a packet together for them with all the drawings from the architects, staff reports that I help write up that covers zoning, permits, design issues, etc. This is pretty cool because I basically get to see the architecture of all the new buildings coming into Berkeley. Supposedly, I also have a lot of exposure to architects around the bay area…but I’m too shy to talk to them…X_x…haha I really should network so I might have a chance at finding work later. The meetings are always the 3^rd Thursday of every month and run from 7pm until it’s done…Once we started at 6pm and it didn’t end till almost midnight! It may seem superficial…I guess at first? But this is really important to create a city that has building designs that are respectful to current residents and to build the best design for neighbors and the people who live there. As I write this, neighbors of a newly proposed live/work building are speaking about how this new 3 story building in their neighborhood is destroying their views…taking away sunlight, creating 50 foot allies where there used to be open space…destroying an old building, completely changing the materials on the exterior and creating something modern in a completely historical area that just DOES NOT fit! I mean, I’m sure, at least I hope that the architect and designers are trying their BEST to create a respectable design…it must be so hard though…it’s exciting to see all these new designs and thinking of the possibility of me designing someday…When people from the neighborhood talks though, they say very valid things, but it seems often that whatever they say…doesn’t make too much of a difference…but it’s good that they’re coming out to talk and to be in the process. This job is a lot of work, it’s tiring, but I would like to think I’m learning a lot, being exposed to design and city planning at the same time. I need to suck it up and talk to architects…On thing that bothers me is that during the meetings…when new materials are passed out, people pass me up and don’t give me a copy! PUNKS! I want to see and learn too!

· WOW…so another neighbor just came in and talked against this HUGE new building proposed on San Pablo…it’s next to Carson which is a tiny street with about 60 houses and the architect put the ONLY entrance and exit to the building with 96+ parking spots ON THAT STREET. So there’s going to be SOOOOO much traffic on that little street…pretty much destroying the neighborhood. The architect calls it modern and contemporary, but it’s pretty much a BOX. Even though there are insets, balconies, windows, articulation…pretty much, it’s still a box and the neighbors have a right to speak out because it’s pretty much destroying their neighborhood…but what do you do? Is there a possible design that can make everyone happy and still maximize revenue? This is the battle between the all the new developments happening in Berkeley, the “emeryvillization” of Berkeley which is so unique and has such a specific, special character…*sigh*…what to do? Oh, by the way, the architect…she looked so stone faced when people poured their hearts out about their home…this whole thing is a process and there has to be a compromise…some solution…

2) Signage

· Haha, this one’s a dozy! So! Whenever a business wants to put up a new sign in Berkeley, they have to apply for design review to make sure the sign fits the city guidelines, matches with the buildings, and has the right types of lighting. Berkeley is very particular about signage. This may all seem superficial at first, but it’s really important in the long run to have nice elegant signs as opposed to HUGE ASS teacups on poles 60 feet in the air that spins…that would be ridiculous! So people read a packet that I send them (with pretty clear guidelines) then they send me drawings that I look over and review…if there’s anything wrong (which there usually is) I have to call them back and come to a compromise. Sometimes, people proposed like…freaking 48” high letters when the limit is 16” high and I’m like WHAT THE HECK! READ THE GUIDELINES! *ahem* It’s pretty cool being able to see signs that I approve pop up around Berkeley though, haha. So this part of my job gives me a lot of exposure to working with people, to communicate, to make calls, write e-mails, things like that which is really good experience for me because I’m such a nervous person when talking to people X_x. ..but gosh, even in this job, I still feel like a kid a lot of the time…even though I’m 20, almost 21 and have all the authority, but I don’t feel like I do, and sometimes, I feel that certain people don’t believe that I have the authority…*shrug*

So yea, haha that was actually a lot longer than I intended it to be, but this will be interesting for me to read again later on. Haha, if you read this far, you never have to ask me about where I work again! =P

It’s a nice, pretty chill learning opportunity and I feel lucky to have landed this job. 15 bucks and hour enables me to pay rent and my own expenses, to be more independent, and less reliant on my parents which takes a huge weight off my shoulders. It’s a little hard to balance 19 required hours a week with school, VSA, and a social life, but I’ve been ok for a semester and I hope to stay with this job for at least 2 years? Design, the involvement with the community, architecture, city planning, urban development, and all this stuff fascinates me, and I hope to learn a lot more. Berkeley is changing so much its crazy. As college students, we’re here for about 4 years and we leave, we don’t see the development and the changing neighborhood like the residents feel, which is a shame, but I guess that’s just the way it is.

Their Journey from the Fall

For my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary, I directed a production along with my cousin Linda called "If you still believe..." as a gift to them and to show guests that we understand, or at least acknowledge the journey they had to go through to come here to America in order to have a future for their children, grandchildren and so forth. In this post, I want to retell the story as I know it to share with anyone who might want to read it. I'm sure the way the retold it to us is such a small portion of the emotions and memories they have, but it's all that we have.

My grandpa in the South Vietnamese army, but was injured on the battlefield so he was able to work as a guard for the last president of South Vietnam before the fall of Saigon. Being there, I guess he has some background knowledge about what was going on, so he sent two of my oldest uncles first.

Bac Ruong and Cau Bic were sent off with some money and family possessions to sell to somehow scout the way to America. There was no way a family of 11 was going to be able to escape at once, so they were sent first. Soldiers came to our family's house and they asked where the two boys went, and my grandparents had to lie that they were visiting an aunt's house...

Some time passed (I should find out how much) and the rest of the family decided to try escaping. Grandpa, Grandma, and 7 kids were dropped off in the countryside, and trekked through a pathless jungle in order to reach a boat that would bring them to a camp in some other country in order to wait to find a way to get to America.

They were caught two times and sent home before finally being able to break through the third time. In the jungle, my grandpa heard a gunshot and out of fear, the family broke apart. Somehow, my grandma found all the kids, but grandpa was missing. They decided to go on any how, not knowing if they would ever see my grandpa again.

After watching Journey from the Fall, my aunt told me that she still remembered the smell of the gas in the boat, about how people were packed so tightly you could barely move...I could hardly imagine...having to go through that...at such a young age with everything else happening...it's so crazy..

Luckily, my grandma's boat was only out at sea for a few days before being rescued and taken to a camp in (Thailand?). There they stayed for 6 months before being sponsored by a Catholic Church in Napa, California and flown over.

My grandpa's boat was attacked by pirated, and in the event of protecting people on the boat, he was axed in the left eye. The scar is still there and it's hard for him to see from that eye..

Somehow, some way...they were all united in Napa. I don't know the details, but we so blessed to not lose a single person and to be able to have the whole family together in one place. My grandpa stressed education, and would not let his children work and made them focus on school. He became a farmer, and while the kids were at school, he farmed and my grandma was a seamstress in order to put their kids through school. They were refugees, didn't know any English, but they were embraced and received by the community there.

Now, thirty something years later, everyone is grown up and moved away. All of their kids are married, except one became a priest. The amazing thing is, no one lives more than 2 hours away from my grandparent's house in Napa. 9 families, 22 grand kids all live within a 2-hourish radius from their house and we all come home together once in a while to enjoy each other's company, to celebrate, to play, to smile, to laugh, to run in the backyard, to feed the chickens, to swing on the swings, to lay in the hammock on the deck, to eat good food, to pray, to sing, to embrace, to tell stories, to take pictures, to play games, to BE FREE.

I realize how lucky and blessed we are, there were countless lives lost, countless families torn apart...I don't know what else to do but acknowledge what happened, to pray for the lives lost, and to hope to help the refugees still abroad to find a place to go. There are so many people stuck in limbo in places like Cambodia, and I hope that through the success of culture show 2008, we can contribute some of our proceeds to Vietnam VOICE to build a resource center for Vietnamese people who are still refugees, 37 years after the war.

Thank you Ong Ba Ngoai for your sacrifice, love, and prayers. Thank you God for bringing my family here, together so that we are who we are today. Thank you mom and dad, aunts and uncles, cousins for showing me the unconditional love of family.

Cheers!

The New Years party was supposed to be classy, controlled, no barfing to spilling sounds possible right? You figure we're mature enough to take care of a house that was entrusted to us by a friend who couldn't be there because he was visiting family in China...but 40-50 people is a little hard to control, haha. Regardless, it was an amazing night with lots of amazing people that I haven't seen in a while and got to catch up with. The alcohol was alright, but it's not cool when there's no tequila involved haha! I didn't get a chance to be bartender, but that's ok, too many people anyway. Aylin! You did a good job! =)

The countdown was way faster than I imagined...I glance at the TV 10 minutes before and was like..ok...then all of a sudden people started to count down...4..3...2...1!!! Happy New Year! I was part of a very, very hot kiss. haha =P no details..unless you ask? haha

People need to dance!! Dancing is sooo much fun! Thanks Susie for making me dance XD haha good times!

People were generally ok, which I appreciate...there was barfing here and there, but that's kinda ok...I mean...sometimes..it just happens. I'm trying to get myself never to get to that point again though ^^; Barfing is gross!

Good times, in good company, a good year and a good year to come!

My sister stopped by and ended up taking me home because I cleaned already and didn't really want to stay overnight (had church at 10:30 in the morning).

Guess what I found when I got home?!?!

My idiot freshman in college (De Anza) brother throws a party in my room in the backyard and there was puke EVERYWHERE. He was passed out on MY futon while his friends were entering the house to use the bathroom and keeping my whole family up. STUPID. The host should NEVER, EVER drink until you puke and pass out. UNACCEPTABLE. As a host, you have to make sure everyone is ok not get so fucked up and have no idea what's going on. STUPID STUPID. I got home, I was in a good place and was just about to go to bed, when my mom came up to me and asked me to tell people to go home. Being trusting as she was, she didn't think that they were drinking (or did she?). So I told her not to worry, I'll take care of it. I ended up driving a couple of people home...some poor sober guy stayed behind and cleaned everything up...the dogs were running around everywhere... I wouldn't be surprised if they were drunk for licking the barf..poor dogs X_x. Seriously...if you're going to throw a party, keep it under control and respectable. Puking is not required to have fun. That's all.

*sigh* When my mom found out, she was so upset...she trusted him, but he blew it. She was almost crying saying "I will NOT cook for the drunks, I will NOT wash their dirty, barf stained clothes"...gosh...STUPID!...It's a learning experience..but damn, how irresponsible can you be? Grow up already...and GIVE ME MY CAR BACK (story for another day).


Drink together, in good company, in moderation. Never alone, in excess, or in sorrow.

*cheers*

OneFamily

I was reluctant to put this project online because it isn't nearly as precious as the actual book that I made, being able to see the actual pictures and turning the pages, but I want to share it with as many people as possible...

For my final photography project, I took pictures that my Grandma saved while escaping Vietnam and coming here to America and retook the pictures, with the same people, in the same position. This is a way to visually tell the story, that the space between the two pictures is 30-40 years of history that my family has been through. Though few words accompany the photographs, our story is told between the pages, and I bring this project to you. Thank you for taking the time to look at it and please let me know how you feel. Click below!

Bà Nôi

It was my grandma's birthday yesterday, so I'm dedicating this post to her, to tell her story, and to give thanks to her.

What an amazing lady...she's been through so much but she's still so strong to this day. I'm going to re-write her story as I know it, but there's probably so much more I don't know and don't understand. I really need to just sit down and talk to her...but I'm scared of stirring up sad memories...=/

My grandma raised my dad pretty much by herself. Her husband and two older kids were killed in the French-Vietnamese war...my dad is her youngest and only surviving son. They died when my dad was only a couple years old...so she had to work extremely hard as a single mother to raise him. She worked whatever job she can find and could only afford a one room shack in Sai Gon to live...times were tough...but she survived and had a big extended family that loved her to help her out. She was..the 2nd oldest sibling I think? So people really look up to her. Every time she goes home to Viet Nam people throw her huge parties to welcome her home.

She left home when I was one year old. My dad left her in Viet Nam after the war to find freedom and hope in America. I'll tell his story another time...but he came here and got married and was eventually able to sponsor her over. She left her homeland to come and take care of me. My mom and dad worked all day, so she was the only one at home to take care of me as I grew up. She fed me...changed my diaper, loved my unconditionally. There is no greater love and sacrifice. She left a place she was familiar with, with countless family members to come to a place where she cant' speak the language and can only get around by walking, but she did it for me and my siblings, and we are the people we are because of the way in which she raised us with love and care. We lived down the street from school and she would always bring us hot, yummy home cooked meals. We would get bored and want cafeteria food, but nothing could compare to her food and the love she put into it.

Gosh...what an amazing person...so strong even in her old age...she's been through so much pain and suffering, lost so much, but keeps on giving. She's also one of the most faithful people I know. Despite what happened, she still has unconditional faith. Every morning, she walks to church (about a 20 minute walk away) to attend mass in English even though she doesn't understand anything. Language is not a barrier to her. Because of her, I can speak the amount of Vietnamese I do, and for that I am forever thankful. So many times have I yelled at her, so many times have I been unappreciative and disrespectful...but she has never loved me any less. Through her I've learned so much...I don't know what I'm going to do without her...I need to remember to call her once in a while to see how she's doing...When I was at home, every time I left to go somewhere, she would make sure I have my wallet, keys, phone...at Cal, I don't have that anymore..and I'd forget...heh...I love my Grandma.

Cảm ơn Bà Nôi.

[All these picture were taken by my for my photography class. The first picture is digital, the other two are 35mm black&whute negatives, scanned and edited in Photoshop]

gosh...

I just go back home from watching "Ao Lua Ha Dong" (The White Silk Dress) that screened at Berkeley thanks to the Southeast Asian Studies department....gosh...what an amazing movie. The symbolism, cinematography, acting, message. It showed how much suffering my people, our people went through because of the war, but it also showed the beauty of my homeland and the infinite amount of love that can come from within a family...the immeasurable, unconditional love despite poverty, loss, and sadness...and there was definitely a lot of sadness...=/...but...it showed it as it was. How war can tear a family apart, how the poor live dayto day, having barely enough to eat to survive...

The mother was the culmination of the spirit of mothers...she loved her children more than anything, sacrificing anything and everything to give her daughters a chance for a future, to make they can go to school to learn and to grow. This is the mother that I want to portray to the world through culture show...the unconditional sacrifice and love.

~kinda spoilers ahead...skip if you haven't seen it?

The movie was made in Vietnam, so it made me thing politically, about what message was being portrayed. Obviously the communists wouldn't allow themselves to portrayed in a bad way...but i guess, they toned it down...either that, or stuff was cut out. The Viet-Minh liberated people from a French controlled corrupt governor, the people going after the communist hurt the main character...the bombs that landed were marked with USA...but i think that's it...at least how I saw it...the story focused on the life of the family and the poverty and unjustice they faced.. yea..the cinematography: weather themes, color schemes, and foreshadowing was pretty amazing though.

--

So after the movie...I call my dad and he told me never to go back to Vietnam again. He was going off about some island being sold or something like that (I didn't understand it all...my Vietnamese is getting hella rusty...) and so I hung up on him...oops...I probably shouldn't have done that, but I didn't want to hear it. I love Vietnam, I love my country, I love my family and friends that are over there. To never go back is like being severed from a part of my. My roots are in Vietnam and my Vietnamese culture. There, my people live and need help. I don't know the complications, the details, how politics work...when it comes down to the core of who I am...I AM VIETNAMESE and people in Vietnam are my people and if they need help...I want to do it somehow, even if one person at a time. Call me naive...but it's how I feel. I will be returning to Vietnam...I plan to for a year after I graduate, to learn the language and to see how it really is, to live, to learn, to explore a fundamental part of who I am and who I will be in the future. Bonjour Vietnam.

wow.

This is gonna be quick, cuz I'm super tired and still have to finish my photography project...
I just got back from a senate meeting in which they were voting on the bill to fund the SASC Intercollegiate Summit to unite Southeast Asian folk from all over the country...the event itself was born at the begining of this semester through the dedication and passion of Monica and her committee and has made it this far to have 150+ registered participants from all over the nation...just the event itself and the honor UC Berkeley has of starting something like this is just so amazing...

FiComm on Monday was super supportive, and although we couldn't get the $1,500 we asked for in the begining we were allocated $1,200 which was really good. The FiComm senators were generally super supportive and gave us the most they could...thank you! It was also amazing to see the community out there to support...shoot when it was our turn to talk...there was at least 30 of us standing behind Monica and the committee planning ICS. Love and Solidarity to the max!

Now, after the bill is passed through FiComm, it has to go to senate for them to vote on it. Here...we hit a snag. There are just so many organizations and people with causes and issues that are important to their community, a lot of senators couldn't justify giving us the amount that FiComm allocated for us...I wasn't there for most of the meeting, but I came at the end...and again, we had about 25-30 people there to support from the community, those that are Southeast Asian, as well as friends and community supporters. Eventually they brought us down to $1,100 which is still realllyy good and we all snapped and clapped and hugged ourselves out of there.

This experience is part of what Berkeley's all about, fighting for what we believe in, what we need as a community, working together to tell people how much something means to us and how far out dreams, ideas and ambitions can go to change our community and to change the world. Berkeley is the place to be.

Up next....FiComm for Culture Show...wooohooo! ^____________^